Tranquility

I have an awful time with trying to post regularly. Let's face it, when I'm angling for minimum four hours sleep, there just isn't enough time to blog about my misfortunes (many as there are).

Term 1 has nearly been completed. It's shocking how quickly the time really does go by. Recent developments such as a big earthquake means certain changes to the life as I knew it. I'm not good with change. And by not good I mean I scream and cry and beg before I like to accept that change is inevitable and no amount of my antics will prevent it. Some people are "movers". They can't stay still. They've got to keep changing jobs, houses, relationships. I'm a "stayer". I like to find a nice little niche of my own and squat there until the cows come home. I don't suppose that makes for a very exciting life, but then again, I'm not exactly a very exciting person.

At times I like to sink into a deeper, more philosophical self. My friend calls this depression, although that term is nowadays being used all too loosely and does not really apply. It feels cleansing to reflect on problems deeper than myself and all my worldly wonders. Still, I will admit that this pondering causes me to feel somewhat fearful of what lies outside of my tiny little corner. Nobody wants to discuss questions of existence with me. I think I commented on this in another blog post, but nobody likes to touch on the subject on death.

I am afraid of dying. I'm a weak, lily-livered coward that just doesn't want to let go. For me, Death is the ultimate change. My mother tells me it's because I have such a happy life - which I really do - and I can't stand to let go of it. I think that's definitely true, especially for someone who just professed her hatred for change. But lately, I haven't been thinking about it as much, or if I have, it's with a layer of tranquility. I won't lie completely and say death doesn't freak the hell out of me, but I think I'm coming more to terms with it. After all, change can be good.

Enough with the heavy thinking. I am going to do some homework, feel some minor accomplishment and go to bed with a smile on my face knowing that I'm still young - despite my lower back pains and abundance of white hair - and tomorrow is another glorious 24 hours for to enjoy being what I am before any change has to be made. And that is a comforting though.

Much love!
Calista

For the First Time

Well, how time flies. Just as I was getting used to the idea of 2010, 2011 has surprised me. I can't get my head around the fact that a whole year has snuck by without my noticing. I was disappointed with last year. Maybe not entirely with the circumstances, but more with myself.

I do have very high expectations of myself: whether it be my academia, my social life, or family, I expect many things of myself (too much, in fact). With all the expectations piling up, I feel like I can never achieve enough to feel satisfied. It is not a good feeling to constantly feel like you're never enough: in fact, it's terrible. So I spent practically the whole year last year feeling worthless and miserable. Of course, this reflects on my behaviour, making my social life a disaster too. It's like a domino effect. The first domino falls and the rest will follow. I was cranky and snarky... it didn't feel good either to treat people nastily.

I didn't like myself last year. I was underachieving, I was lazy, I was mean, I was disorganized. And to top it all off, my Grandmother passed away which was very sad. I need more positivity. So I have decided only I an help myself. There is no magic fairy that will wave away my problems. I have lots of problems and I need to resolve them with my own will and perseverance.

So, it's great that 2011 has just begun. I am looking forward to a new year, a fresh start. I love fresh starts. My room is an utter mess now (did I mention I'm finally home again!) since I haven't unpacked, so that'll be the first step towards starting afresh. I have resolutions. I will be a kinder and more compassionate person. I am going to treat everybody with politeness and a smile. I will be good to my family and good to my friends. I am going to work hard in terms of my academia and write precise notes so I will breeze through my finals. I am going to be a better person.

Now that it's in writing and on the web for the whole world to see, I have to keep those resolutions. Hopefully, when 2012 rolls around, I'll be feeling happier and more satisfied with the year I just had.

Wish me luck! I'm going to try my best. 2011, watch out!
Calista.

My Butt is Numb

I have been sitting in this seat for the past five hours. There isn't sufficient space on the desk to prop my laptop on it, so it's resting on my knees and blowing lots of hot fan heat onto my jeans. I was leaning on my spine, so I kind of cut off all feeling back there. All in all, not very comfortable.

Anyway, I'm in Taiwan right now, a kumara shaped country that is not part of China but quite close to it. It's where I was born. I don't come back to Taiwan often, but it's usually at the end of the year if I do. I'm planning to stay here until January 12 before I head home. I miss home already. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of fantastic things in Taiwan. There are so many channels of TV, there's great and really cheap food, and the clothes are much better looking, but there's just something about home. I miss the quiet hum of the simple life, of the empty roads not littered with motorcycles. I miss my two fat cats who probably have already forgotten about me (selfish things). But most of all, I miss my room.

I won't lie through my teeth and say my room is spotless. Occassionally I'll get into a cleaning frenzy (vaccuum, windows, airing out blankets, you name it, I do it) and it'll be freakishly clean, but usually there's the off scrap of paper on my carpet or some empty wrappers on the desk. I really miss the smell of home. I really miss my bed. Sleeping on the beds here give me a major-neck ache. I really really really want my bed.

Anyway, I made a promise. That was the last of it, but I'm making an effort to cut down my complaining. I whine a lot, especially when I'm discontent or under pressure. As such, I was a grumbly-guts during exam season (ugh! Even I couldn't stand myself!). For a brief period this year, I maintained a "zen" philosphy where I tried to think positive thoughts and to compliment people and smile all the time. It successfully lasted a week before a 7.6 earthquake shocked back my snark.

I'm busy, so I have to go. Just a shoutout to Taiwan's awesome AWESOME subway system. I love it.

Ciao!
Calista

(insert interesting title here)

Okay, I am procrastinating again. My emotions have settled down somewhat... I'm calmer now. I was feeling really heavy earlier (I refrain from using the word "depressed" because not only is that word overrated, but also lessens the meaning associated with actual depression - the mental illness).

I think it's impossible to be happy all the time. Even robots can't be programmed to be eternally blissful. Sadness, anger, emotions are what make us human - these are what define us and give humanity their unique traits. In the end, we are all the same, just a film of skin covering an intricate order of flesh and bones and threadlike arteries. What makes us different isn't just the physical differences - it's the emotions, ideas that each individual possesses. It's so cliched to say "it's what on the inside that counts". I don't think that's entirely accurate, but I do find truth in that statement.

In fact, we should all look for more truth in most things. Over the past millennium or so, humans have evolved into cynical entities, always suspicious and doubting. No matter what they are doubting: be it their own opinion, their friends, gut feelings - we are no longer the trusting and (kind of) innocent race that once was. It is sad to see so much hatred in the world, but this is all beyond our control - or any one individual. We accept that. But individually, we might learn to love and trust a bit more. Fling away that cynicism! We shall emerge anew, refreshed, with bright ideas floating amongst our empty brains!

I start things I cannot finish - one of my many weaknesses.

I'm getting confused at what my point was.

I think I'll finish this some other time (procrastinating procrastination, if you will).

- Calista.

Now

I'm scared.

And I have always been a big coward, but I feel real fear in my heart... in my soul. I am scared of death. I know it's gonna come to everyone, and I don't think I would be afraid if I knew I could live out my life and die when old age comes naturally. I could accept death like that.

But I'm growing increasingly nervous that that's probably not going to happen at all. I am afraid of dying and going before my life has played out, before I get to experience the wonders of the world, before I pave out my road and stomp down it, before I marry and have children and become a different person. I am afraid.

My family is a brave one and I love them. They are so undaunted, so fearless, they are unafraid of everything - death included. I am so nervous and when I hear their thoughts, I can't help but wonder if I am so strange to be so afraid. Because I am. I lie awake at night, feeling the pounding my my heartbeat and wondering what it would feel like if the darkness swallowed me up.

The thing is: I am so happy. I am so happy to be alive and to live this life which was so kindly granted to me - I am so immensely satisfied with everything I have, I don't want anything to change. I am afraid that when death takes me, I will no longer be Calista. I will have no memories. I will not remember my family. I worry that when I die, I will become nothingness, just another lost girl who perished on the earth. I am afraid, not of my footprint of this earth (or lack thereof), but of what is to become of me. I am so scared that when I die, I will cease to be and every inch of my personality, my unique individuality that defines me as this entity... will vanish.

Nobody understands me. Nobody is willing to listen. Death is such an awkward topic and nobody feels comfortable approaching it. And when I try to discuss it, everybody waves it off quickly or doesn't take me seriously. I ask if people of scared of death and they laugh and make a joke. Why can't I find someone to relate my deepest thoughts to? Why can't I find somebody with the understanding and mental capacity to make an intelligent conversation? I don't even want to talk to people anymore right now. They all seem so far away from me - I can't touch them at all. I'll say one thing and they'll completely misunderstand the situation.

Life is so fragile, too fragile. The world has become crowded with ugliness, the ugliness scattered by the evil of human beings. What have we brought here except suffering and pain? I see people littering everywhere I go even when there is clearly a rubbish bin two steps away. This sickens me, it disgusts me, I am so angry I want to cry or scream or yank their hair off. Are we so selfish? Are we so mindless and incapable of helping others that we can't even attempt to make the world a better place? I am tired. My race disappoints me.

I pray for salvation. I pray for an end to my sorrows and worries and relentless fears. I wish that I could become as brave and fearless as my family, as courageous as a wandering tiger amongst the jungle - but I am weak and I am human. I am prone to sin and evil. I want to just feel, once more, the pounding of my heartbeat and spend one night without thinking of the emptiness of the night sky and the cawing of the morning bird song.

Please, God. Let me live. Let me find life's full potential and live. Live live live. I just want a slice of happiness. Let me find peace and simple laughter. I ask for not much but the continuation of my happy existence. Please let me find this. You are a magnificent, wise, and forgiving God. Hear me and let me live.

Long Time No See

Okay, cards on the table, I have been M.I.A. lately. And by lately I mean I month or so. What happened? I was so into blogging, but now I drifted off? Nay, that is not so (though there might be more than a speck of truth in that statement). I was merely occupied with other matters which hold a higher priority than blogging.

It's the holidays now. Spring has come, and my highly-anticipated cherry blossoms have already been plucked from their branches by the wind. It was sad to see them go, but such beauty would never survive in a world so saturated by ugliness. I cleaned the car today. Well, more accurately speaking, I held the hose while some other person scrubbed and did the back-breaking work. But let's just say I cleaned the car anyway.

I'm trying my Zen again. And for the majority of you who don't know me, let me just clarify that a bit... I am not a patient, soothing individual by nature (understatement). In fact, most find me abrasive and very snarky. That I do not deny. However, I don't enjoy that part of my personality. Although my self-proclaimed wit is something I do want to keep, it's difficult for me to keep a tight rein on which direction it proceeds. Quite easily, it could slide into the nasty territory. I am going to change that. So now, I am thinking positive thoughts and trying to smile more and already the world seems a happier place. Actually, that's a lie (which really goes against my new Zen principles). I feel nothing. I just hope that the calm and serenity promised will kick in soon and I won't be feeling so strange when I grin at strangers.

I have made a pact which I am going to make myself stick to. I have absolutely zero self-control: be it snacks at midnight or getting an essay finished - I just can't help gorging a whole block of chocolate or starting to read a book mid-essay. My will is weak, insanely so. And this really was a tough decision, I do so love my TV, but yes, I am going to cut out all TV. And NOTE that I said cut out not cut back. Which means I am eliminating all television from my life... with a few exceptions...

My current list of TV shows I indulge in, all of which I am stopping:

- The Vampire Diaries
- My Girl
- Playful Kiss
- One Tree Hill
- Gossip Girl
- Glee
- Impromptu marathons of ANY KIND (television saved to disc and my hard drive which I will occasionally open and start watching)

I am firm - I shall discontinue them, at least until the school year ends, and then we'll see. But the burden of desperately watching episode after episode and then guiltily realizing no work had been done is coming to a head. I just can't do it anymore. So I'm quitting. I am proud of this decision, but the hardest part is yet to come... sticking it it. I think I'll need some sort of nicotine patch, but to stop me watching the TV shows.

My expceptions are movies. I cannot completely eradicate movies from my life, it is tres impossible. I won't even try. But the thing is movies take longer to watch, so that'll put me off just randomly watching one (unlike a 45 min. episode of The Vampire Diaries). And I allow myself to still visit the movie theater, which I don't really do that much anyway.

So, hopefully, everything will work out and I'll stop procrastinating and my life will tumble, some way, back on track.

Wish me luck!

- Calista.

P.S. I have completely fallen in love with the musical, "A Chorus Line". But I must admit I am an absolutely sucker for musicals in general.

Inception

Well, I saw Inception today. And let me say it was beyond excellent. Ensemble cast, Hans Zimmer music, thrill, suspense, what more does a girl need?

I'm tired and I'll have to clarify some time later. For now, let me just seriously recommend this movie. You need to see it.