Feelings

It's now, the rest of my life. I'm flying tomorrow, which I guess is exciting in itself (I'm one of the few people that actually kind of like airplane food), and my life is beginning. Granted, it's been beginning for quite some time now, but I feel a sad detachment from all my belongings, feeling for the first time that I really am growing up, it's time to wave goodbye to excuses of immaturity and shoulder up the burden of adulthood.

Let me tell you, it is not fun. I would much rather stay careless and unknowing. But, alas, time prevents me from becoming Peter Pan. Now, I must sleep. There is too much to say and I must say it all at once or not say it at all. So I'll save my imminent rant for a more appropriate time.

Good night limited readers out there. God bless you all.

Love,

Calista.

Tranquility

I have an awful time with trying to post regularly. Let's face it, when I'm angling for minimum four hours sleep, there just isn't enough time to blog about my misfortunes (many as there are).

Term 1 has nearly been completed. It's shocking how quickly the time really does go by. Recent developments such as a big earthquake means certain changes to the life as I knew it. I'm not good with change. And by not good I mean I scream and cry and beg before I like to accept that change is inevitable and no amount of my antics will prevent it. Some people are "movers". They can't stay still. They've got to keep changing jobs, houses, relationships. I'm a "stayer". I like to find a nice little niche of my own and squat there until the cows come home. I don't suppose that makes for a very exciting life, but then again, I'm not exactly a very exciting person.

At times I like to sink into a deeper, more philosophical self. My friend calls this depression, although that term is nowadays being used all too loosely and does not really apply. It feels cleansing to reflect on problems deeper than myself and all my worldly wonders. Still, I will admit that this pondering causes me to feel somewhat fearful of what lies outside of my tiny little corner. Nobody wants to discuss questions of existence with me. I think I commented on this in another blog post, but nobody likes to touch on the subject on death.

I am afraid of dying. I'm a weak, lily-livered coward that just doesn't want to let go. For me, Death is the ultimate change. My mother tells me it's because I have such a happy life - which I really do - and I can't stand to let go of it. I think that's definitely true, especially for someone who just professed her hatred for change. But lately, I haven't been thinking about it as much, or if I have, it's with a layer of tranquility. I won't lie completely and say death doesn't freak the hell out of me, but I think I'm coming more to terms with it. After all, change can be good.

Enough with the heavy thinking. I am going to do some homework, feel some minor accomplishment and go to bed with a smile on my face knowing that I'm still young - despite my lower back pains and abundance of white hair - and tomorrow is another glorious 24 hours for to enjoy being what I am before any change has to be made. And that is a comforting though.

Much love!
Calista

For the First Time

Well, how time flies. Just as I was getting used to the idea of 2010, 2011 has surprised me. I can't get my head around the fact that a whole year has snuck by without my noticing. I was disappointed with last year. Maybe not entirely with the circumstances, but more with myself.

I do have very high expectations of myself: whether it be my academia, my social life, or family, I expect many things of myself (too much, in fact). With all the expectations piling up, I feel like I can never achieve enough to feel satisfied. It is not a good feeling to constantly feel like you're never enough: in fact, it's terrible. So I spent practically the whole year last year feeling worthless and miserable. Of course, this reflects on my behaviour, making my social life a disaster too. It's like a domino effect. The first domino falls and the rest will follow. I was cranky and snarky... it didn't feel good either to treat people nastily.

I didn't like myself last year. I was underachieving, I was lazy, I was mean, I was disorganized. And to top it all off, my Grandmother passed away which was very sad. I need more positivity. So I have decided only I an help myself. There is no magic fairy that will wave away my problems. I have lots of problems and I need to resolve them with my own will and perseverance.

So, it's great that 2011 has just begun. I am looking forward to a new year, a fresh start. I love fresh starts. My room is an utter mess now (did I mention I'm finally home again!) since I haven't unpacked, so that'll be the first step towards starting afresh. I have resolutions. I will be a kinder and more compassionate person. I am going to treat everybody with politeness and a smile. I will be good to my family and good to my friends. I am going to work hard in terms of my academia and write precise notes so I will breeze through my finals. I am going to be a better person.

Now that it's in writing and on the web for the whole world to see, I have to keep those resolutions. Hopefully, when 2012 rolls around, I'll be feeling happier and more satisfied with the year I just had.

Wish me luck! I'm going to try my best. 2011, watch out!
Calista.