(insert interesting title here)

Okay, I am procrastinating again. My emotions have settled down somewhat... I'm calmer now. I was feeling really heavy earlier (I refrain from using the word "depressed" because not only is that word overrated, but also lessens the meaning associated with actual depression - the mental illness).

I think it's impossible to be happy all the time. Even robots can't be programmed to be eternally blissful. Sadness, anger, emotions are what make us human - these are what define us and give humanity their unique traits. In the end, we are all the same, just a film of skin covering an intricate order of flesh and bones and threadlike arteries. What makes us different isn't just the physical differences - it's the emotions, ideas that each individual possesses. It's so cliched to say "it's what on the inside that counts". I don't think that's entirely accurate, but I do find truth in that statement.

In fact, we should all look for more truth in most things. Over the past millennium or so, humans have evolved into cynical entities, always suspicious and doubting. No matter what they are doubting: be it their own opinion, their friends, gut feelings - we are no longer the trusting and (kind of) innocent race that once was. It is sad to see so much hatred in the world, but this is all beyond our control - or any one individual. We accept that. But individually, we might learn to love and trust a bit more. Fling away that cynicism! We shall emerge anew, refreshed, with bright ideas floating amongst our empty brains!

I start things I cannot finish - one of my many weaknesses.

I'm getting confused at what my point was.

I think I'll finish this some other time (procrastinating procrastination, if you will).

- Calista.

Now

I'm scared.

And I have always been a big coward, but I feel real fear in my heart... in my soul. I am scared of death. I know it's gonna come to everyone, and I don't think I would be afraid if I knew I could live out my life and die when old age comes naturally. I could accept death like that.

But I'm growing increasingly nervous that that's probably not going to happen at all. I am afraid of dying and going before my life has played out, before I get to experience the wonders of the world, before I pave out my road and stomp down it, before I marry and have children and become a different person. I am afraid.

My family is a brave one and I love them. They are so undaunted, so fearless, they are unafraid of everything - death included. I am so nervous and when I hear their thoughts, I can't help but wonder if I am so strange to be so afraid. Because I am. I lie awake at night, feeling the pounding my my heartbeat and wondering what it would feel like if the darkness swallowed me up.

The thing is: I am so happy. I am so happy to be alive and to live this life which was so kindly granted to me - I am so immensely satisfied with everything I have, I don't want anything to change. I am afraid that when death takes me, I will no longer be Calista. I will have no memories. I will not remember my family. I worry that when I die, I will become nothingness, just another lost girl who perished on the earth. I am afraid, not of my footprint of this earth (or lack thereof), but of what is to become of me. I am so scared that when I die, I will cease to be and every inch of my personality, my unique individuality that defines me as this entity... will vanish.

Nobody understands me. Nobody is willing to listen. Death is such an awkward topic and nobody feels comfortable approaching it. And when I try to discuss it, everybody waves it off quickly or doesn't take me seriously. I ask if people of scared of death and they laugh and make a joke. Why can't I find someone to relate my deepest thoughts to? Why can't I find somebody with the understanding and mental capacity to make an intelligent conversation? I don't even want to talk to people anymore right now. They all seem so far away from me - I can't touch them at all. I'll say one thing and they'll completely misunderstand the situation.

Life is so fragile, too fragile. The world has become crowded with ugliness, the ugliness scattered by the evil of human beings. What have we brought here except suffering and pain? I see people littering everywhere I go even when there is clearly a rubbish bin two steps away. This sickens me, it disgusts me, I am so angry I want to cry or scream or yank their hair off. Are we so selfish? Are we so mindless and incapable of helping others that we can't even attempt to make the world a better place? I am tired. My race disappoints me.

I pray for salvation. I pray for an end to my sorrows and worries and relentless fears. I wish that I could become as brave and fearless as my family, as courageous as a wandering tiger amongst the jungle - but I am weak and I am human. I am prone to sin and evil. I want to just feel, once more, the pounding of my heartbeat and spend one night without thinking of the emptiness of the night sky and the cawing of the morning bird song.

Please, God. Let me live. Let me find life's full potential and live. Live live live. I just want a slice of happiness. Let me find peace and simple laughter. I ask for not much but the continuation of my happy existence. Please let me find this. You are a magnificent, wise, and forgiving God. Hear me and let me live.

Long Time No See

Okay, cards on the table, I have been M.I.A. lately. And by lately I mean I month or so. What happened? I was so into blogging, but now I drifted off? Nay, that is not so (though there might be more than a speck of truth in that statement). I was merely occupied with other matters which hold a higher priority than blogging.

It's the holidays now. Spring has come, and my highly-anticipated cherry blossoms have already been plucked from their branches by the wind. It was sad to see them go, but such beauty would never survive in a world so saturated by ugliness. I cleaned the car today. Well, more accurately speaking, I held the hose while some other person scrubbed and did the back-breaking work. But let's just say I cleaned the car anyway.

I'm trying my Zen again. And for the majority of you who don't know me, let me just clarify that a bit... I am not a patient, soothing individual by nature (understatement). In fact, most find me abrasive and very snarky. That I do not deny. However, I don't enjoy that part of my personality. Although my self-proclaimed wit is something I do want to keep, it's difficult for me to keep a tight rein on which direction it proceeds. Quite easily, it could slide into the nasty territory. I am going to change that. So now, I am thinking positive thoughts and trying to smile more and already the world seems a happier place. Actually, that's a lie (which really goes against my new Zen principles). I feel nothing. I just hope that the calm and serenity promised will kick in soon and I won't be feeling so strange when I grin at strangers.

I have made a pact which I am going to make myself stick to. I have absolutely zero self-control: be it snacks at midnight or getting an essay finished - I just can't help gorging a whole block of chocolate or starting to read a book mid-essay. My will is weak, insanely so. And this really was a tough decision, I do so love my TV, but yes, I am going to cut out all TV. And NOTE that I said cut out not cut back. Which means I am eliminating all television from my life... with a few exceptions...

My current list of TV shows I indulge in, all of which I am stopping:

- The Vampire Diaries
- My Girl
- Playful Kiss
- One Tree Hill
- Gossip Girl
- Glee
- Impromptu marathons of ANY KIND (television saved to disc and my hard drive which I will occasionally open and start watching)

I am firm - I shall discontinue them, at least until the school year ends, and then we'll see. But the burden of desperately watching episode after episode and then guiltily realizing no work had been done is coming to a head. I just can't do it anymore. So I'm quitting. I am proud of this decision, but the hardest part is yet to come... sticking it it. I think I'll need some sort of nicotine patch, but to stop me watching the TV shows.

My expceptions are movies. I cannot completely eradicate movies from my life, it is tres impossible. I won't even try. But the thing is movies take longer to watch, so that'll put me off just randomly watching one (unlike a 45 min. episode of The Vampire Diaries). And I allow myself to still visit the movie theater, which I don't really do that much anyway.

So, hopefully, everything will work out and I'll stop procrastinating and my life will tumble, some way, back on track.

Wish me luck!

- Calista.

P.S. I have completely fallen in love with the musical, "A Chorus Line". But I must admit I am an absolutely sucker for musicals in general.

Inception

Well, I saw Inception today. And let me say it was beyond excellent. Ensemble cast, Hans Zimmer music, thrill, suspense, what more does a girl need?

I'm tired and I'll have to clarify some time later. For now, let me just seriously recommend this movie. You need to see it.

ILU: Music!

I am a proud music-lover. And I'd like to think that my taste has some range: from Vitas to Vanessa Carlton. From Sheryfa Luna to S.H.E. Okay, maybe not as much range as my sister, but still a much wider range than people my age today. The thing is: music has been a big part of my family, my personality, my life, my upbringing - I can't ever remember a time when there wasn't music in my house. Although I am not a very good singer (that's actually putting it nicely), I don't let that inhibit me from bursting into song as I walk, or crooning into my showerhead as I wash.

I think music is one of the biggest happy-makers in the world. Forget exercise, it's music that sets you free! And also, depending on what mood you're in, you can always fit it to whatever song. As of right now, I have 5246 songs on my iTunes. It tells me that it would take 14.4 days in order to get through my whole iTunes, and is a whopping 33.03 GB. My aim is to have 6000 songs by the end of 2011. Hmm... I wonder how many GBs that is.

Okay, yesterday I blogged about this project I'm embarking on. For further reference, please see the previous post, I'm too lazy to repeat myself. Anway, today's letter is supposed to be addressed to "Your Crush". I'll be honest, I have no idea what to write for this because I have no crush right now. So, instead of writing to an actual crush, I'll address this to what my future crush might be like.

Dear Crush,

You do not exist yet, but I'm sure you will one day. And when that day comes, I hope you'll know exactly what you're supposed to be like.

I like someone who can make me laugh and I can make laugh. Basically, when I'm having an off day, you've got to crack a random joke that's so lame it's funny (very important skill to have). I need someone who's smart. My crush would never be some idiot who needs three seconds to discern his right hand from the left. You'd be able to carry out an intelligent conversation (or argument) about the merits of modern literature or nature vs. nurture.

My requirements are not too many. They're mainly just common sense. But if you're ever going to ome out of hiding, those are two basic rules you must follow. But don't be too daunted by my official tone, I'm really quite a nice person - most of the time.

Exist soon!

Calista

Well, that was strange. This project is not as fun as I'd hoped, but I'll try sticking to it. I'm afraid this is rather a short post, but as I still did nothing yesterday, I have extra to catch up today. The weekend's whizzed by again and it'll be Monday (Boo! Hiss!) before I know it (tomorrow...).

Whoever's reading (not many), good luck for whatever trials you may face. We are all strong enough to carry through. Much love!

- Calista

This Weekly Madness

It's been a while since I last posted. I love blogging, but it's really time-consuming and I just don't have that kind of time right now. I've been surviving on an average of 4-5 hours sleep everyday for the past week, and now that it's the weekend, my body is completely crashing. I slept from 4am-2pm today! Anyway, all that fails to dampen my spirits because my bandwidth updated on the 28th! That meant my internet was fast and refreshed and I was a very happy girl!

All the goals I made for myself just aren't working out. My room still looks like a hurricane blew its way through and my homework is nowhere near completed. Ugh! So this is really some more blograstinating, if you will. But, hey! Blograstinating is much more entertaining than picking up paper scraps from my carpet (which I will get around to sometime in the future).

I'm currently reading 'Gone With the Wind' for the umpteenth time. Some people might get turned off by its immense length (it is one crazy-ass long book and the printing is pretty small), but Margaret Mitchell was one hell of a writer. I watched the movie when I was really young, along with all my family members, on this ancient VCR and a huge cube TV. Technology has advanced somewhat since those days and I now own a beautiful anniversary edition of GWTW which I can watch on my asus laptop very conveniently, but I guess my point is that this story has been a big part of my life.

I actually read the sequels ('Scarlett' and 'Rhett Butler's People' - neither of which were written by Margaret Mitchell) before I read the actual book. I, too, was daunted by its size and tiny printing. But I braved my fears and bought a copy from Borders, settling down one night to make a start. What a mistake. I should never have started at night. The result was that I only went to bed at 8am the next morning. It was so soul-sucking good that I couldn't stop. I kept thinking to myself, just one more chapter and then I'll go to bed, but somehow one chapter morphed into half the book. Basically, this is a fantastic book which everyone should read at least once, if not more, in their lifetime.

I went on a mega shopping spree yesterday. I am usually quite frugal, so let me just state that I don't do this a lot. But money was burning a hole in my pocket (or my card - whatever) and I had to buy me some stuff. Besides, I had a list of things I needed. Anyway, I really need to stop spending now. Online shopping is an enemy I must conquer. I just can't help buying stuff and then feeling guilty, and then feeling happy when my purchase gets delivered to my doorstep (oh, by the way, if you haven't received parcels, you haven't lived. Gettig parcels is like getting Christmas presents). I'm gonna end up broke again!

My friend, a fellow blogger (although not on this particular site) had recently embarked on a special project. She has a list of different people she needs to write to each day. And she has also coerced me into joining her. So, here is today's letter subject: "Your Best Friend". Hmm... I actually don't have a best friend (except for money, but our relationship is rocky), just a lot of really good friends. Okay, well, I'll have a go anyway.

Dear Best Friend,

You've always been there. Not just in my mind, but physically there. I can't even remember a time when I didn't know you. I'd accepted it as easily as I'd accepted I had parents. You were a great bonus on a wonderful poackage (if that makes sense).

We haven't had a smooth friendship. There's been shouting, misunderstandings, tears. But, in the end, you can always sit me down and give me the best advice. And when the worst comes, you'll be there. This is all so cliched, and giving me some shivers (I'm not really a warm fuzzy individual), but I wanted to thank you for your constant presence by my side. I always take it for granted that you'll be there, but you'll leave someday and then distance is all I feel.

Here's to a lifetime of arguments, anecdotes, Irish Cream, technological issues, firework birthdays, nail polish, and cake. We've been through it all, complete, whole, and happy. Best of luck for the future. You have a bright one and I'll be waiting to bask in your success when you hit he big time.

A torrential amount of love,

Calista.

Well, now. Wasn't that so sickeningly sweet? It's the truth, but the truth can make me cringe sometimes. It's getting late, and as us tradition, stuff needs to get done. I'll be signing off now. The next letter subject is "Your Crush". Well, that should be... interesting. Until then!


- Calista.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

First of all, I really like that song (my title). Right now, I'm actually listening to it. You know, the version with Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone. Most people don't know that I really adore this genre of music. It's kind of jazzy, a little christmassy, lovely piano undertone. It's gorgeous. Stuff like 'New York, New York', 'I've Got Rhythm', I really like it. People my age nowadays don't seem to even know those kinds of songs. Such a shame.

Anyway, it's been a hectic day. Mondays usually are. I got up late because class starts late on Mondays, so that was a nice start. Then, I had to give a speech for English. That went off all right, but I was glad it was over all the same. My topic was 'The Importance of Being Rich'. Funny, no? Actually, the whole damn thing was peppered with lame jokes that nobody laughed at. Psh! Who cares? I've got Physics, Chemistry, and Maths homework due tomorrow, as well as my piano lesson. I haven't done any homework at all seeing as I just got home at 8.45pm after my English class. So, yeah. Totally hectic. I just want to rest my feet and soak up the heat from the heater.

The song completely matches New Zealand's temperature. It is frickin' cold outside. I can't breathe without a swirl of smoke-rings blooming around my face!

I wish I could figure out my personality. I'm not completely sure what kind of person I am. I do know that I'm a typical "nice" person. I'm impatient, selfish, speak without thinking, loud. Those are horrible characteristics. However, I am also very loyal (if lazy) and considerably sunny (on a good day, anyway). I just wish I could clearly label myself with black and white adjectivs. But I never really understand myself.

Gosh, now I'm just confusing myself. Better not dwell for too long on this particular topic.

Have you noticed that there are so many out there that seem to think they're invincible? They seen to believe that they'll be around forever. I know that I'll die one day, but that day seems to far away, I just don't want to face to it coming. Ugh! All this dreary talk of death and poverty is really getting me down. I was a little too exhausted today and had a bit of a hysterical laughing fit. Everything is so much funnier when you're:

a) drunk
b) high
c) absolutely exhausted

I was c), and it really showed. Everything made me giggle crazily, even I was getting pissed with myself.

Oh, on the bright side, that book I reserved "Dead Until Dark" - by Charlaine Harris finally got returned (FINALLY). It was due back on the 30 June, and it's already nearing the end of July, which is kind of creepy, but you know...

I don't even want to begin contemplating externals and school exams. I have such a niggling feeling that I'm going to tank on my school exams, it's growing stronger by the day as I realise how little I've learnt and how bad I am at organising my time. There's so much CRAP! I need to seriously relax. Maybe some yoga or meditation would help?

Anyway, caffeine and chocolate just seems to make me cranky or fat, so I'm trying to cut down on those. And no matter what chair I use, I just seem to have a neverending stream of back-related problems. Also, after I sprained my ankle in my hockey game, I went to an accupuncturist. She stuck needles (hate needles) in my ankle in certain nerve points and vibrated them very painfully. Anyway, now there's something wrong with my ankle (that's not the sprain) because if I bend them just so, it feels like a million more needles are stuck into my ankle, even though there aren't.

That was another woe-is-me speech. This is turning into a familiar setting: one I should not be making into a habit, actually. I know! I'll make a list of things I'm grateful for:

1. My family is safe and healthy
2. My house is nice albeit messy
3. I have many opportunities extended to me which may be unavailable to some other unfortunates
4. I've got good books to read (and no time to read them, but this is supposed to be a positive list)
5. I have a heater to counter the cold raging outside
6. I did my speech today which means IT'S OVER! YAY!
7. It's only 10pm, I have 2 hours until midnight to finish my homework
8. I have friends?
9. Running out of ideas
10. Nothing

Okay, that was spiritually nourishing. I'm going to try making a list for 10 things I'm grateful everyday now. It can help me have a more positive outlook on things, and I'll start shedding my negativity. Yeah! Sounds like a plan! Now I just have to stick with it. Wish me luck!

Right, enough with the blograstinating (procrastinating via blogging). It's homework time.



- Calista.