Now

I'm scared.

And I have always been a big coward, but I feel real fear in my heart... in my soul. I am scared of death. I know it's gonna come to everyone, and I don't think I would be afraid if I knew I could live out my life and die when old age comes naturally. I could accept death like that.

But I'm growing increasingly nervous that that's probably not going to happen at all. I am afraid of dying and going before my life has played out, before I get to experience the wonders of the world, before I pave out my road and stomp down it, before I marry and have children and become a different person. I am afraid.

My family is a brave one and I love them. They are so undaunted, so fearless, they are unafraid of everything - death included. I am so nervous and when I hear their thoughts, I can't help but wonder if I am so strange to be so afraid. Because I am. I lie awake at night, feeling the pounding my my heartbeat and wondering what it would feel like if the darkness swallowed me up.

The thing is: I am so happy. I am so happy to be alive and to live this life which was so kindly granted to me - I am so immensely satisfied with everything I have, I don't want anything to change. I am afraid that when death takes me, I will no longer be Calista. I will have no memories. I will not remember my family. I worry that when I die, I will become nothingness, just another lost girl who perished on the earth. I am afraid, not of my footprint of this earth (or lack thereof), but of what is to become of me. I am so scared that when I die, I will cease to be and every inch of my personality, my unique individuality that defines me as this entity... will vanish.

Nobody understands me. Nobody is willing to listen. Death is such an awkward topic and nobody feels comfortable approaching it. And when I try to discuss it, everybody waves it off quickly or doesn't take me seriously. I ask if people of scared of death and they laugh and make a joke. Why can't I find someone to relate my deepest thoughts to? Why can't I find somebody with the understanding and mental capacity to make an intelligent conversation? I don't even want to talk to people anymore right now. They all seem so far away from me - I can't touch them at all. I'll say one thing and they'll completely misunderstand the situation.

Life is so fragile, too fragile. The world has become crowded with ugliness, the ugliness scattered by the evil of human beings. What have we brought here except suffering and pain? I see people littering everywhere I go even when there is clearly a rubbish bin two steps away. This sickens me, it disgusts me, I am so angry I want to cry or scream or yank their hair off. Are we so selfish? Are we so mindless and incapable of helping others that we can't even attempt to make the world a better place? I am tired. My race disappoints me.

I pray for salvation. I pray for an end to my sorrows and worries and relentless fears. I wish that I could become as brave and fearless as my family, as courageous as a wandering tiger amongst the jungle - but I am weak and I am human. I am prone to sin and evil. I want to just feel, once more, the pounding of my heartbeat and spend one night without thinking of the emptiness of the night sky and the cawing of the morning bird song.

Please, God. Let me live. Let me find life's full potential and live. Live live live. I just want a slice of happiness. Let me find peace and simple laughter. I ask for not much but the continuation of my happy existence. Please let me find this. You are a magnificent, wise, and forgiving God. Hear me and let me live.